MasterClasses for the Masses

We’re quarantining, self isolating, social distancing and otherwise sitting around on our collective asses, wondering when life will resume. We wake up later, drink earlier, and with occasional bursts of energy, do things we love, and finish projects we hate.

We bake, cook, groom the dog, make face masks, shop online, organize photos and files, closets and junk drawers. We wash our car, work in the garden, paint, Zoom for exercise and a social life, watch Netflix or Amazon Prime, make YouTube and Tik Tok video’s, and endlessly scroll through Instagram. Maybe we even read a book or two.

When we are done with all that, and reach the end of endless days, we finally succumb to what we know will change our lives…

A MasterClass.

For the annual membership of $180, limited time offer, you can learn all you want to know from the “world’s greatest minds”. If you think you were busy before, watch out. Just perusing the trailers can take an entire afternoon. There are 82 separate classes from which to choose, spanning all you could possibly ever want to know, and then some. You can learn how to appreciate wine, sear, braise and roast meat, write dystopian novels or movie scripts, produce and direct films, apply makeup properly, be an entrepreneur, handle a basketball or serve a tennis ball, think scientifically…and even how to negotiate a hostage’s release.

It’s time consuming but “nothing worth having comes easy” as Teddy Roosevelt said. Actually, what he said was, “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty..” Fortunately, we economized and saved ourselves 11 words because writing all of them is effortful, painful and difficult.

After watching 165 minutes of MasterClass trailers, I decided that it’s for the elite. Let’s face it…they’re never gonna make me no genius. And while entertaining, any inspiration I might have gleaned will be lost after my first pastry failure. What I’d really like to learn during this time of quarantine is more blue collar, more relevant for the times. A MasterClass for the Masses, if you will.

Here are some ideas:

1. How to decorate your Zoom backdrop with expensive paintings or a big yard, so you can create the right image.

2. How to use Matterport 3D technology to give the impression that your home is bigger than it is.

3. How to publicly shame anyone for not wearing face masks or gloves in a way where you can take the moral high ground.

4. How you can keep getting Payroll Protection checks after you quit your job and move to Florida.

5. How best to position your phone so your nose looks smaller while facetiming.

6. How to wear sweatpants with style.

If you’ve mastered all those then maybe you go to level two and learn how to track Coronavirus Hot Spots, then look to see what real estate prices are doing there?

I think they’re on to something, those geniuses, but I’d like to start small and work my way up. I think time is on my side.